|for andtheafterglow - fic - anachronism [Cody/Justin]
||[Mar. 30th, 2005|09:58 pm]
Summary: You've never felt invincible before. You think you could get used to it.
You like to think that you know the points in your life in which you will change. You’ve felt particles of yourself merge and splinter during the moments you think counted. Meeting Brian underneath that lamppost, jerking Hobbs off after school, getting bashed, meeting Ethan, leaving Ethan, getting back together with Brian. You can neatly tie up your life with a pretty little satin bow, put it in a box, and display it for all to see. The bow is like a boundary that sets the rules. When you see Cody for the first time, the edges of the bow begin to unravel. It sounds like a cliché, and you will freely admit that it is. You’ve always liked to live through clichés and make them your own. Carpe diem and the entire world, or at least some of Pittsburgh.
He’s not like everyone else at the Gay and Lesbian Centre. He has spark, spits out words like fire, shocking almost everyone in attendance. Something stirs inside of you, and you realize that it’s screaming to get out, clawing at the ropes you’ve laced around your heart.
It’s not pretty. It’s not safe. Whatever it is, you want to let it out.
You go home and dig out your sketchbook. You’ve been neglecting it lately with the whole significant other being broke thing and the fact you’ve been kicked out of school. Mostly you’ve been spending your time drinking and fucking and thinking about Rage, and honestly you haven’t had time for much else.
You start to draw. You sketch jocks with bloodied lips, broken noses, shattered limbs, limbs completely dismembered. You crumple each piece of paper. It’s not enough.
Brian holds your hand and gives words of wisdom. You long for the days when he would fuck you so hard you couldn’t think, leaving bruises on your hipbones and making you scream so loudly your throat ached in the morning. He can’t give you what you want, and somehow it doesn’t surprise you. It doesn’t even disappoint you. You’ll just find what you need somewhere else.
You find Cody at Woody’s and shake his hand, and that thing uncoils inside of you and ripples hungrily.
The first meeting of the Pink Posse is at your and Daph’s apartment. You have to admit that the Pink Posse is a stupid if kind of funny name, but you’re going to enjoy it anyway. You close your eyes when you hear the displeasure in her voice and try to forget about it. Instead you concentrate on the razor buzzing off your hair, and the bow that’s wrapped around your life unravels a little more. Brian questions you later, but you don’t care that he has a problem with it. You should be allowed to do what you want for once. You’re tired of sitting meekly by and letting people get bashed, letting straight guys think they have all the power. They don’t, and it’s about time they know so.
That night on patrol you pants a couple of straight guys. Logically you’d think it looks kind of stupid, but instead it gives you a rush of power and really, really turns you on. You’ve never had this much power before. Later you fuck Brian so hard that on any other night you think you’d split apart with the sheer force of it, but not tonight. Tonight you’ll ride the pain and make it your own.
You’ve never felt invincible before. You think you could get used to it.
Well, that’s not entirely true. You felt invincible, once, when you were young and stupid and unscarred. You thought you could bend the world to your will without breaking part of yourself in the process. You couldn’t, and it nearly killed you.
This is different.
Cody brings out something in you that you didn’t even know was there. It crackles under your skin like the fizzy candy you used to eat when you were younger. You don’t want it to go away.
You expect his tongue to taste metallic somehow, but instead you’re greeted by the odd combination of something that’s vaguely like green apple ice cream and cinnamon, sticky and salty and corrosive. It’s a good taste. Kissing him makes you feel giddy with borrowed freedom, like you’re breaking the rules at school or getting Chris Hobbs off.
When everyone else quits the gang, you’re strangely not disappointed. You can’t put your finger on why, but you don’t care. You like fighting. It’s actually kind of fun. You have to wonder why Brian disapproves so much now that you’re actually following things he’s told you. He was right, and now you see it. He should be happy for you.
Cody brings you to church one night. You’ve never been a big fan of God to begin with. Sure, you went when you were younger, and before you moved out and your dad became an asshole you went on special occasions like Christmas and Easter just so your mom wouldn’t feel bad about not going. You think you stopped believing in God after you got bashed. Listening to this priest prattle on endlessly only confirms that suspicion. There’s so much more to life when you can follow your own rules.
Guns are hot. You wonder why it took you so long to come to this conclusion. Phallic imagery aside, there’s a forbidden appeal to holding a gun. The fact that it’s off limits makes it even more tantalizing. You and Cody jerk each other off hard and fast, and there’s something about being in a dark alley with a gun that makes getting a handjob a whole lot better.
When you tell Cody about Hobbs, a voice in your head that sounds too much like Brian for comfort tells you that the whole Posse thing was just leading up to that moment. It’s going to make or break you entirely.
It’s needless to say Brian isn’t thrilled when he finds out you’re carrying around a concealed weapon. You don’t have the time or energy for his concern, and something else inside of you cringes and that thing burns a little brighter.
Cody hunts down Hobbs’ address and that thing inside you is fire licking at your teeth. Hobbs brushes you off, but you don’t let him. You’ve had too much taken from you to just let him go, so you let him have it. The fire inside you almost devours you, but something calls you back.
You let Hobbs go, and Cody is furious, but you’re tired and the fire is gone out, and Cody’s shouting obscenities. You’d say something to him but instead you turn your back and walk away. You don’t look back.
Sometimes you think back on that and realize you could have.